By Lisa Sigel

My title comes from a nineteenth century work of pornography.

The use of it for the title is a joke. I started with a joke that I expect no one to understand for the purpose of emphasizing the distance between my culture and yours. “The perception of that distance may serve as a starting point of an investigation, for anthropologists have found that the best points of entry in an attempt to penetrate an alien culture can be those where it seems to be the most opaque. When you realize that you are not getting something–a joke, a proverb, a ceremony– that is particularly meaningful to the natives, you can see where to grasp a foreign system of meaning in order to unravel it.” [2] My joke is about how the culture positions me. I am a graduate student, but sorry that’s not the real joke. Even though fleas and other vermin are low in a hierarchy of value and graduate students are low in the academic hierarchy of value, correlating the two as equal doesn’t make the title as funny as it can be. It can get funnier. In the real Autobiography of a Flea, the flea is not the deviant. The flea gets to communicate about the deviant. So here’s the real joke: for the purpose of this essay, I am struggling to be the flea.

The (real) Autobiography of a Flea like many works of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries criticizes Catholicism, sexual hypocrisy, and ignorance. The work is narrated by a flea who latches onto a beautiful young girl named Bella. Bella gets seduced because of her own voluptuous nature by priests who prey on her ignorance. Once corrupted from the inside out, from the womb outward, Bella pulls her friend Julia in to be likewise corrupted. Corruption spreads like a disease. The work infuses vows of celibacy with vows of deviance, innocence with lechery, and in the process makes the bystander– the flea and those reading from the flea’s narration–into the voyeur who relishes at the same time that he condemns. Read more

In fact, this kind of depraved indoctrination has been going on for years, starting in the 1970s, when ads for sugary cereals were a staple of kids’ Saturday mornings, along with The Shazam/Isis Hour and The Scooby-Doo Laff-a-Lympics. One can wax eloquent about the subliminal message of Scooby’s innumerable spinoffs (if one could quit wishing for Scrappy to be hit by a bus and start thinking straight), but one cannot ignore that perhaps the most insidious brainwashing took place during the commercial breaks, when seemingly loveable mascots promoted less-than-savory messages to schoolchildren.

Take the occult references in each Count Chokula, Boo-Berry, and Franken Berry cereal box. These advertising icons picked up where The Groovie Ghoulies left off in making supernatural, satanic figures appear harmless, cute, adorable, and even fun. The children who begged their parents to buy Count Chokula became the goths and punks of the 1980s. This is not a coincidence.

“Follow my nose, wherever it goes!” This was the rallying cry of Toucan Sam, Froot Loop’s mascot, a rather effeminate bird who distributed colorful beaks to children as he led them to a rainbow land of multi-flavored, multi-colored cereal. Today’s Froot Loops are all the colors of the rainbow–red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. Just like the rainbow colors seen in Gay Pride parades. This is not a coincidence either. Read more

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COLUMBUS, Ohio – A disturbing case was discovered Tuesday about a Central Ohio man who allegedly told police he likes to drink the urine of adolescent boys. Alan Patton, 54, is in jail after allegedly telling Gahanna police that he enjoys drinking urine. Detective Ron Fithen interviewed Patton after he was arrested while leaving a movie theater last weekend.

“Listening to his describe it, it’s like listening to a crack or cocaine addict. He’s addicted to children’s urine,” Fithen said. According to police, Patton said he’s been drinking urine for years. “He told us he’s been doing it over 40 years, since he was 7 years old,” Fithen said. Police said Patton goes to family restaurants and movie theaters and waits for boys in a bathroom stall. Investigators said he shuts off the water to the child-level urinal and puts a cup in the bottom.

Patton allegedly told police that he leaves the stall after the child leaves. “He goes back and retrieves the cup and drinks the urine,” Fithen said. Police said Patton told them it makes him sick, but that it’s almost spiritual to him. He allegedly added, “I like it because it makes me closer to them — like I’m drinking their youth.” A New Albany father played a role in Patton’s arrest.

He told someone at a movie theater that Patton was staring at his son in the bathroom. The theater employee then called police. Officials said Patton is a registered sexual predator, who was convicted of rape 13 years ago. Police believe Patton has been collecting and drinking urine in cities around Central Ohio, including Hilliard, Westerville, Dublin, Worthington and Gahanna.